Well, speaking for myself, I would find the second line unintelligible. It doesn't matter what the art looks like, I would have difficulty deciphering that "copy of the sides" means "script." There's a fine line between industry-talk adding flavor to the lines and making the lines inaccessible to normal readers. The only reason I would vote for the second line is if the manga is already jargon-heavy in Japanese--- and in that case, I would suggest we include a note in instances like this.
And yes, I'd say you should definitely have a talk with your translator. See what they're really saying in Japanese. There's no need to add "flavor" to your lines that isn't already there in the original, especially if it'd have the tendency to confuse readers.
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